I Wrestle

This week has been a real struggle. If I am to be perfectly honest, the last few weeks have been a struggle. Most people who know me well would agree that I am strong-willed, opinionated, determined and passionate. The few who know me extra-ordinarily well, also know that it is a mask under which I can hide my insecurities and the fact that I question my worth, my intelligence, my ability on an almost daily basis. More than anything, my favored few know that I struggle with my confidence. In trying to understand the source of my issues I have put a few things out on the table. The first is that I grew up very poor. I was rich in siblings and rich in love, but that was about it. I had two parents who worked tirelessly(mom at home, dad where ever he could) to take care of us(thanks mom and dad) but in the end  often couldn't make ends meet. There were times we had little and times we had less than nothing, still I knew that my parents and my siblings loved me and that at the end of the day we,all 9 of us,were in it together.The problem for a child though, is that other kids and even teachers were not as understanding. This brings me to the second cause I think I have put my finger on. Being from a poor home, no matter how smart you are doesn't mean that the kids you attend school and church with will see your worth. It also doesn't stop your teachers(a few bad apples) from letting you know just how little you will amount to in this life. It doesn't stop the name calling, being excluded from things, being made fun of... that was hard. The memories, still embarrass me and I am now 30 years old. On the other side of the pain though, has been an extraordinary gift, a drive, an unwillingness to relax, a desire to move forward and on a more personal level, a will to teach and empower.  Every once in a while, I will admit that my drive is tempered by my memories, and the pain and emotions are raw, but it is short lived as a reflect on what I have been allowed to accomplish. Rejection, is still hard, and sometimes, I still feel myself becoming a child again... crying in a dark corner, but it's easier to dust myself off now. Being judged, ignored, those things are all still hard but its easier now to not let those things define me. My past has shaped me in ways that I have cherished and will value as long as I live but letting it define me and my present require every morsel of energy I have. I am not a poor child anymore with nothing to eat not on the outside anyway. I just need to keep training my brain to remember that.