I Wrestle

This week has been a real struggle. If I am to be perfectly honest, the last few weeks have been a struggle. Most people who know me well would agree that I am strong-willed, opinionated, determined and passionate. The few who know me extra-ordinarily well, also know that it is a mask under which I can hide my insecurities and the fact that I question my worth, my intelligence, my ability on an almost daily basis. More than anything, my favored few know that I struggle with my confidence. In trying to understand the source of my issues I have put a few things out on the table. The first is that I grew up very poor. I was rich in siblings and rich in love, but that was about it. I had two parents who worked tirelessly(mom at home, dad where ever he could) to take care of us(thanks mom and dad) but in the end  often couldn't make ends meet. There were times we had little and times we had less than nothing, still I knew that my parents and my siblings loved me and that at the end of the day we,all 9 of us,were in it together.The problem for a child though, is that other kids and even teachers were not as understanding. This brings me to the second cause I think I have put my finger on. Being from a poor home, no matter how smart you are doesn't mean that the kids you attend school and church with will see your worth. It also doesn't stop your teachers(a few bad apples) from letting you know just how little you will amount to in this life. It doesn't stop the name calling, being excluded from things, being made fun of... that was hard. The memories, still embarrass me and I am now 30 years old. On the other side of the pain though, has been an extraordinary gift, a drive, an unwillingness to relax, a desire to move forward and on a more personal level, a will to teach and empower.  Every once in a while, I will admit that my drive is tempered by my memories, and the pain and emotions are raw, but it is short lived as a reflect on what I have been allowed to accomplish. Rejection, is still hard, and sometimes, I still feel myself becoming a child again... crying in a dark corner, but it's easier to dust myself off now. Being judged, ignored, those things are all still hard but its easier now to not let those things define me. My past has shaped me in ways that I have cherished and will value as long as I live but letting it define me and my present require every morsel of energy I have. I am not a poor child anymore with nothing to eat not on the outside anyway. I just need to keep training my brain to remember that.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

SO much has happened over the course of the last few months. My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer which put most of the plans I had for my tiny side hustle business(Ties & Things www.etsy.com/shop/tiesandthings) into a tailspin. Unlike most islanders though my parents have insurance which allowed my mom and dad to stay with me for 3 glorious fulfilled exciting months so that he could get treatment. The doctors recommended radioactive seed implants for him because of his age etc and at last check they seem to be in the right place so now we wait for results.

Anyway.... on to the reason for this particular blog. I have been thrown into so many situations recently that I have never been trained for but, somehow, I figure oh...hey, I will give it a shot. After posting a pic of a dining chair that I re-covered for a friend on Facebook 2 more challenges followed in rather rapid succession:

1. Re-cover and entire dining set of 6 chairs( I wasn't scared of this at all because I considered myself a boss at it); And
2.  Make a set of 4 slip covers for a gym buddy's parson's chairs (INSERT death gasp here)

I know!!!! It's crazy. SLIPCOVERS???!!!! I have NEVER EVER EVER made a slip cover. I mean like NEVER EVER EVER. When I relayed this sentiment to the owner of said parson's chairs her response was..."Would you like to try"?! A part of me was like...

"Girl you know you can't do this! What if you mess it up? you have to see this lady every day! She will hate it and then you will never be able to show your face at the gym again...EVER!"( I know, I am a bit of a drama queen...don't judge me)

Eventually though, my competitive nature(and my husband's good sense) won out, and I said... CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!! I had a chance to go look at the chairs and even go to the fabric store with my client (yes I know...client! imagine that...me... with a client! UNREAL! Anyway...I digress)  and I decided to bring one of the chairs home so I could get started on the pattern! The results surprised even me!

I  really can't wait to work on these chairs. I can't wait to see what the finished product will look like especially since the family chose 4 different styles  of fabric for their chairs! Wish me luck!

The 411

I never thought I would end up being one of those people who blog. I never really have much to say and on top of that, I am not a very good writer. Still, I figured it would  be nice just to let these random thoughts roam free in the real world every once in a while. In some selfish way, I guess this is mostly for me, to satisfy some inner desire to become a better communicator and more importantly to be better understood. So, welcome to The June Plum Diaries! Here's to trying to be consistent with at least 1 teeny tiny thing in my life.